Life in My Years

I have recently come to the terrible realization that readers of this little blog may not fully understand my posts–by which I mean, people don’t seem to find my posts to be very funny. Upon further examination of this matter, I then came to the more terrible and disturbing realization that readers of this little blog (aka: my closest friends) may not fully understand me as a human being–by which I mean, people think I’m a pretentious snob-ass.

To be fair (to myself and my ego), this realization only came as the result of several conversations and reactions regarding only one particular post in my blog. But I have the sinking feeling that it’s one of those situations where an old friend will casually mention one day how “everyone’s always thought it was weird how you lick your cat” just as you’ve started cleaning your cat and you finally realize after five years that that’s actually not a normal thing to do.

The one particular post I’m referring to that led to all these unwelcome revelations is the one where I write about how everyone loves a good dialogue. I mention something about “philistines”, something about how I only laugh uproariously at Shakespeare’s tragicomedies of his “late” period, something about my friend who I named “Top Five” after bragging about how he attended one of the top five “educational institutions of the universe”, and various other generally hilarious pomposities, all written in a generally hilarious pompous voice. I was proud of the post because I thought it was definitely one of the funnier posts I’ve written in my entire blog.

Or maybe not.

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Cue dialogue:

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Me: So did you think that post was funny?

Friend: No.

–End Dialogue—

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Now the way I see it, there are several problems with this:

1.      I am funny.

Okay, so that’s only one problem, but it’s a good one. I’m not a terrible writer, so that can’t be the problem. So why is it that one of my closest friends doesn’t find something that I wrote and found to be undeniably funny to be funny??

I’m a little shaken up about this exchange and the real possibility of my un-funniness at this point until she asks me why I made such a point to brag about Top Five’s school credentials. It makes you sound really snobby, she says. I’m silent for few seconds, and then I relax. Silly Friend. I now mentally chalk this misunderstanding up to fact that she doesn’t read very often and therefore wasn’t able to appreciate the humor in my skillful displays of sarcasm and irony. It’s not me, it’s her.

Or so I thought, until I (rhetorically) asked Friend 2 whether he actually took my magniloquence seriously.  It was one of those questions where you totally know what the answer’s going to be, but ask anyway just to hear the reassuring “Uh…yeah. Duh” or “Um….no. Obviously”.

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Cue dialogue:

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Me: I mean, you knew I didn’t actually mean what I was saying right? I mean, it was obvious that it was all written in jest.

Friend 2: Oh. Hmm…I didn’t get that either.

–End Dialogue–

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Another blow. This time, closer to my vital organs.

What was up with these people and their not understanding that practically the entire post was written tongue-in-cheek? I mean, I’m not actually a pompous ass and that’s how I wrote my post to sound like: a pompous ass. I mean, who, beyond the douchiest of douches, actually uses the word “philistine” to describe people? The exaggerated air of snobbishness I took on in the post was way over the top. Hence, the funniness.

I decided to get one last opinion on the matter: Top Five. I figured if anyone would get it, it would be someone who attended one of the top five educational institutions of the universe (←Exhibit A: Pompous statement I don’t actually take seriously).  This time, I had none of the confidence or rhetorical air in my voice, but only the tone of the anxious defendant awaiting the final verdict from judge and jury.

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Cue dialogue:

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Me: What did you think when you read it? Did you think I was serious?

Top Five: Yeah. I mean, you kind of sound like that normally sometimes.

Me: But…but you said you liked the post!

Top Five: Yeah, I liked the post because I thought it was well-written. Not particularly for the sentiment.

–End Dialogue–

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I cut the conversation short to keep it snappy, but there was more. The words “you are” and  “sometimes a prick” were used. Not by me.

Okay, so what does this say? What does it say when I intentionally write an entire post in (what I thought was) an overbearingly snobby tone, a tone that is (supposedly) a complete departure from my normal personality, and people just think it’s an average, in-character post? There’s Helen being her normal snob-ass unfunny self again.

No, I say! I revolt at this assessment! I am not a snob-ass! I like rap and hip-hop  (Fine, I can’t honestly say that I like the genre as a whole, but, like everything else, it depends on the song!), I find Lady Gaga endlessly entertaining, classical music often bores me to tears, I love the movie Serendipity, I don’t like James Joyce,  I like reading Thesuperficial.com and Ohnotheydidn’t, I’ve read all 7 Harry Potter book (twice), and I like–nay, love–pork rinds. Love the taste, love the texture, love the crunch, love the spiciness. Love them.

There, see? That last love was an especially embarrassing admission (as most of you would probably agree) and I hope the power of that confession alone will dispel any misconceptions of snobbery in regards to me.

Just remember– if I ever say or write anything that makes you think that I’m an ass, a jerk, a bitch, a cad, a snob, or an imperfect person, I’m just joking. (←Exhibit B)